Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Haunting!

We have crammed all of our October fun into one weekend! Trunk of Treat, Seaworld's Howl-O-Scream, pumpkin carving, Krispy Kreme Donuts, Halloween breakfast and a Halloween party! We've been busy! Our ward's Trunk or Treat was super fun - there was a bounce house, cotton candy and popcorn! Next time they need to have an adult bounce house and it will be perfect! =) Here is our ghoulish family: pizza delivery zombie, tooth fairy, ghost, vampire, and our pet dragon.
Sometimes the fact that I don't edit my pictures works in my favor! Look how spooky they look with their blood red eyes! Sweet. Thanks camera!
Nathan stuck some vampire teeth in Brenan's mouth. He wasn't too happy about it but we couldn't stop laughing! Bren has become pretty anti-camera. He won't hold still and he won't smile and he won't look at the camera! When we do get a good one we consider it a miracle. =)
Our day at Seaworld:

Pumpkin carving:

Happy Halloween!!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I Love You, November! You're only 4 days away!!

I'm ready to bid farewell to the month of October! It's just been one of those months. Five good things happened though:
1. We got a visit from my mom! Hooray!!
Look! She knows how to make crazy faces too! =)

We mostly just hung out around the house (more on that later). But right before we took her to the airport on Friday we went to the Alamo and Chipotle!

2. Keslie's birthday (see post!)
3. Nathan's birthday(see post!)
4. We discovered our love of PSYCH (the TV show). It makes us laugh so much! Doesn't he look like a mix between Ben Stiller and JD from Scrubs? It's hilarious - we highly recommend it!

5. Tessa got married to Addison! Look at them - they are beautiful. And Tessa is wearing pink shoes. Be still my heart! Why didn't I think to wear pink shoes! I'm so happy for them! I just wish I could have been there!

And this picture is so darn cute! However, it's just missing two very important sisters - me and Hannah!!
Why am I ready to say good-bye to October? When I last posted about my ectopic pregnancy I had just gotten my first dose of Methotrexate. Well, that first dose didn't do the trick so they gave me a second dose - it HURT like the dickens. Four shots in all. Ouch! When I went in a week later they said that my hormone levels were finally going down so it was working! I was feeling fabulous that day - energetic, happy, and back to normal. Then that night I stood up from the couch and was hit with severe nausea and bad pains in my abdomen. I thought maybe it was just gas??? But I could hardly walk so we decided to go back to the hospital just in case. Nathan gave me a blessing and we left the kids in good hands (thanks Heather!). The Dr. didn't seem too concerned - she thought it was probably a side effect of the Methotrexate. That seemed weird to me because it had been 2 weeks since my first dose and a week since my second. Wouldn't I have had the pains before that? Anyway, as soon as she did the ultrasound I could tell something was wrong. There were big, black spots all over the place. SO, after 4 painful shots of Methotrexate my dang fallopian tube STILL ruptured (they said it was shredded!) and I was bleeding into my belly and behind my ovaries. I was pretty sure I was going to die at this point. I just wanted some reassurance and I looked for it twice. Right after she told me they would need to do emergency surgery I asked if I could die - she said "I don't think so". Then, when another Dr. asked me if I had any questions I tried to laugh and ask if I would die and he said "Well, I can never guarantee 100% that you won't". I understand that, but come on! Would it have hurt to say that it's rare and that they had caught it in time and that I would be just fine? I'm a psycho. I know! Anyway, I got to undergo my second surgery in less than a month! They told me they took my left ovary and fallopian tube but I found out at my appt. a couple days ago that they only took the tube. Sweet! =) And that is why my mom came. And why Nathan's birthday was pretty crappy. Monday night when Nathan was picking up my mom Anika puked all over her room. Seriously. I think she leaned over her bed rail and did the sprinkler with her head. Then she came downstairs and threw up. It was a HORRIBLE stomach flu. Nathan left for Dallas the next morning and Kes and Brenan both got it on Wednesday. If my mom hadn't been here I think I would have just sat down on the floor and bawled! Since she was there we were able to find the humor in the situation. We just looked at each other and laughed a couple times! It was insane! I am so glad she came! I'm not supposed to lift anything over 20 lbs for 6 weeks. That didn't last long - as soon as Brenan was covered in throw up I was pulling him out of bed and throwing him in the tub. Hopefully I don't get a hernia - I've been lifting like normal ever since. How do you not lift when you have kids?!! Anyway, I have high hopes for November!

Here we are - 3 VERY sick kids and me right after surgery. =)
The recovery wasn't so bad. I was pretty sore and my shoulders hurt really bad (from the gas they used) but it only lasted a few days. I was feeling SO much better by Thursday. I've been to the hospital and had more blood draws, ultrasounds, surgeries, and shots in one month than I would want in my whole life. I'm so grateful for the love and concern that we've felt from family and friends! I'm very thankful to be alive. =) I'm thankful that they used superglue on my incisions because it was SUPER fun to peel off. My whole belly button was full of the glue and it was amazing to pick it out of there! =) And because I am not not having a baby in May, I will be able to go to CT as planned. I'm super excited about that! I have a second chance to work off this baby weight from Brenan. I will NOT be sick for the holidays. I can ride roller coasters. Just looking at the bright side! Of course, none of those things are as great as having a sweet, chubby baby of my own in my arms! It's okay though. I'm doing great - emotionally and physically. Except for my a little toe on my right foot. I stubbed it tonight and it's hurting A LOT. I'm pretty sure I broke it. Me and door jams. We just don't get along! =)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Happy Birthday Nathan!!

He lives with a bunch of weirdos!
But they are weirdos that love him!
I hope he gets what he wished for because he deserves it. All he's done is take care of me today and clean up our house to get ready for my mom to come to town. He should have gotten to sit back and do nothing!

I love you so much! I know this wasn't a very fun day for you but I promise we will make it up to you!! Thank you for being so wonderful and kind and patient and fun! You are amazing!!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Power Tunes and a Whole Lotta Prayer!!

That is the recipe for being a happy mom. =) When I'm in a "slump" I go over my "How to Be Happy checklist" in my head to find out what I'm missing. So, what was missing for me? I'll tell you right now - Power Tunes!! I hadn't listened to my Power Tunes for several months and I was FEELING it. This CD is the soundtrack for my LIFE. I grew up with it and I LOVE it and it makes me "happy and cheerful, happy and cheerful in everything I do"! This CD is the best of the best children's music (it's great for adults too!)and is guaranteed to make even the crustiest person smile. =) It is full of wonderful songs that teach great values in a fun way. It's the good kind of brainwashing! Check out this song list and click on the song to listen to a sound clip. If I HAD to pick my top 5 for you to listen to they would be: Attitude, Enthusiasm, Determination, Industry, Courage, Cheerfulness, Integrity, Overcoming... Oops - just realized I've gone over five! Just listen to all of them because they are the BOMB.COM. Forgive me Nathan. (He hates it when I say that. Apparently, I'm not as cool as I think I am). =) Anyway, here they are:

You can thank me later. This CD is back in my van's CD player where it belongs. If you see me driving up and down the road with a big, goofy grin it's because I'm listening to "Courage" or "Enthusiasm" or "industry"!

And for the times when you see me using my phone as a microphone and shaking my other hand by my ear and snapping (if you've seen me dance then you know what I'm talking about!) I am probably taking a break from my Power Tunes to listen to my song of the moment. If I'm at a stoplight I might pop my head back and forth and throw in some shoulder action and then I'll throw my hands up in the air and sing:

" I Throw My Hands Up In The Air Sometimes, Saying Ay-Oh, Gotta Let go. I wanna celebrate and live my life!"

Catchy, right? It needs to be turned up pretty loud for it to have the best effect. I can't wait to be in the car with one of my sisters while this one is on because we will ROCK IT. A couple of my girlfriends went with me to a movie on Friday night - since I missed out on the traditional sister bachelorette movie night (the one where we dance in front of the theater when the movie is over!). It was great and they are always so willing to indulge me when I want to take dorky pictures. I think they secretly like it! =) My favorite picture of the night was this one:
Thank you for indulging me girls! It was just what I needed.

Bo-peepin' squeakins is 5 YEARS OLD!!

Keslie has already put 5 years of life behind her! I like to think they've been good years and that she's made some happy first memories. =) She is SO easy to please and because of that I think her birthday was dreamy! She chose Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast and got to open her presents right when she woke up. She doesn't show her excitement very much but all day talked about how much she loved her new panda and her puzzles and her "keymote patrol" Strawberry Shortcake car. =) She played at Hallie's house in the morning and then took cupcakes to school. After the girls got home they played a "story" until it was time for the big dinner! I always let them choose their meal and Keslie did not disappoint! She chose macaroni and tomato juice. It's a winner every time! =) Then we had a couple friends come over for cake and ice cream and that was it. We didn't have a big party. We didn't even go out for pizza at Chuckie Cheese and she was still talking about what a great day it was. I asked her what her favorite part of the day was and her answer was THE PRESENTS (shocker!).
Here are some pictures from preschool. She shared her birthday with Justine from school. Her mom took these pictures for me!

The "party":

Here are our birthday cake guests - none of the kids wanted to cooperate but I think both Heather and Meg look super cute so I put the pictures up anyway!

The Saturday before her birthday we met up with Brooke, Scott, Drew, and Taylor for dinner so we could celebrate Drew and Keslie's birthdays together. Kes freaked out when we sang happy birthday to them because "it wasn't her birthday!". She loved the cupcakes and her new Zoobles though! AND we didn't get kicked out for lighting candles! *BIG sigh of relief!*

I think this picture is funny - if they weren't brother and sister I would say they look really cute together. =)

Keslie is one of the most amazing little people I know. Sometimes she is misunderstood. Her shyness is often interpreted as unfriendliness but unfriendly is a word that should never be put in the same sentence as someone as sweet and kind as Keslie. She loves to share, especially with Anika. They are "best friends forever"! If she gets in trouble or messes up she gets very embarrassed and quietly leaves the room. I usually find her sobbing on her bed covered with blankets. She doesn't want to be touched or snuggled until things are cleared up and she knows we are okay. She loves to snuggle when she feels safe and secure but as soon as her world isn't right with her she closes in on herself. It's been tough learning how to discipline her without having her shut down. I think we are finally figuring her out though. She's like an m&m - tough on the outside and super soft and wonderful on the inside. =) She is very smart and has a great imagination. I love her laugh and her cute phrases! She says "What the heck" in front of a lot of things and "That was amazing!" and she sometimes pops her head back and forth when she talks to make herself extra sassy. We love her and our home would be lost without her cute, LOUD voice and her fun-loving personality! Happy Birthday Keslie!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

She Had a Beard... and it Felt Weird.

I've never thought 29 years old is old but I'm starting to feel like time is slipping through my fingers! Aside from THREE main things I still feel like my old 18 year old self. I need to know if anyone else suffers from these ailments:

1. I have some serious gray hair issues. Don't get me wrong - I think a lot of women can pull off the gray hair look. I just don't think I'm ready to be one of them! It started when I was 22. I even plucked it out of my head and taped it to a page in my journal! Now it's out of control and my box of L'oreal hair color isn't doing the trick on my "resistant grays"! Help!

2. I have a hump. I do. And for awhile it was really hurting. Now it's just there and particularly noticeable when I hunch - which I do a lot and that is why I have it in the first place! Can I get surgery for this? Help!

3. I have a beard. Everyone has hair on their faces so I haven't been concerned until I started noticing half inch long blackish hairs on my chin! Should I start shaving? Lasik hair removal seems the best option but that will have to wait a few years. Until then - the tweezers are my best friend!

Did you know that the title of this post is from the Veggies Tales silly song - I Love My Lips? Do you love those silly songs like I do? I just found a new one that made me chuckle - particularly because of my love of boy bands and belly buttons. =) Check out Boyz in the Sink:

Thanks for all of your sweet comments on my last post! It was therapeutic to write it all down and I feel so much better. =)

Friday, October 08, 2010

I need to post something - not because I need the world to know what my last few weeks have been like but because I need to write it down for me. Maybe I'm not dealing with things right. Maybe I'm bottling it up so instead of feeling better (emotionally) I'm feeling worse every day. Maybe that's why I'm in this funk. I love Dr. Suess's book Oh, the Places You'll Go! because I think it's very true to life. I've been thinking about this part:

"You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done."

And that's where I'm at right now - a Slump. I think the reason I haven't felt like crying or complaining about my stuff is because I know people have experienced so much worse. My situation seems so easy when I compare it to what others have been through so I don't even feel like I have a right to be sad about it. But, like I said, I think I need to write it down and then I'll feel a little better. =)

It's been a roller coaster couple of weeks for us.

Up - On Monday 9/20 we find out we are pregnant. Yay!! Perfect timing - a baby due in May.
Down - On Saturday 9-25 I wake up to spotting and cramping and I'm pretty sure I'm miscarrying. Nathan had gone to Dallas for the weekend so I had a good cry and then packed up the kids and we shopped til' we dropped - I bought jewelry, shirts, pants, ice cream and we walked barefoot in the rain at the outdoor mall. I felt better after hanging out with my kids. They are beautiful and sweet and I feel so blessed to have them. That night I rented a movie and made chocolate chip cookies. I know how to spoil myself! Hahaha! The next day I was super sick - it felt like the flu so Nathan took care of me and I laid in bed all day long.

- I read about miscarriages and it sounds like they are accompanied by a lot of blood and a lot of pain. I didn't really have either so I take another test on Wed 9/29 - still positive! Yay! Maybe it's just a fluke - there are a lot of women who bleed in their first trimester. But, I never have so I couldn't shake the uneasy feeling.

- On Friday I read some more and start to wonder if I should see a doctor just to be safe. I may or may not have thought I was dying (I do that sometimes). =) I call up the office I'm assigned to and tell them all of my symptoms. He tells me to come in a half an hour. I hurry and throw Bren in the car and we head over. And then we waited for TWO hours. They finally call me back and the doctor comes in and says that they don't see OBGYN patients at that clinic. I was SO SO SO mad. Why did I wait TWO hours? Why did the guy make me an appointment there? He knew it was an OBGYN case. Anyway, he sent me to the hospital GYN center. I barely made it home to pick up the kids from the bus stop and then we headed to the University Hospital (luckily Nathan was there that day and was just getting out of class so we traded and he took the kids home). I was seen pretty quickly - I got poked twice for blood (my dang veins are so hard to find!) and then saw a doctor who did an exam and a sonogram. They didn't find a baby but they weren't concerned because it was so early. According to my hormone levels I was 2-3 weeks along. Not so much - at this point I was 6 weeks. I didn't really understand what was going on with that. Anyway, it took about 3 hours and I watched more Supernatural than I've ever wanted to watch (it's not my favorite show) and I had brought a book called Harmful Intent
but it started out with a woman dying in childbirth so I tucked it away for later. =) It was not a good day for me.

- They had me come back 48 hours later so I went in on Sunday and went through the exact same thing - 2 more pokes in the arm to draw blood and an ultrasound. A 3 hour wait. My numbers had almost doubled which was a good thing. They had been at 420 and they went up to 790. I started thinking that maybe I did have a super early pregnancy and had miscarried the original one - maybe I dropped an extra egg at the end of my cycle? I don't know. Either way I was feeling hopeful again!

Down -
48 hours later I head back in for the same thing. 2 pokes in my arm and an ultrasound and lots of waiting. Still no baby to be found but my number had only gone up to about 1100 and they expect to see a baby around 1500-2000. The doctor on this day was really sweet and sat down and asked if I understood what was going on and if I had any questions. She said it could still be okay but they were concerned about the slow rise in my hormone levels because that can indicate that something is wrong. At this point they are trying to figure out if it's an abnormal pregnancy or if it's an ectopic. I'm given instructions to not exercise and no sex for SIX weeks. Say what?!

Down, Down, Down - On Thursday night at 7pm I went in for my next "quant check" - 2 more pokes. I brought a good book this time and settled in for the long haul. There were a lot of people there this time. So far I had only seen the girl residents. On this night there was a young guy that kept calling people back and I thought 'Oh please no!'. I'm okay with men as OBGYNs I just don't want them to be younger than me! He finally called me back and introduced himself as the student doctor and he took me into a little room and asked me a bunch of the same questions I had already answered over the past week. I don't get it - why can't they just put my answers into the computer and look at them rather than asking me a million times? Do I smoke? Drink? Drugs? Any STD's? How many kids? Ages and weights? Any problems? Health history? Last pap? Last time I had sex? Married? How many partners? Sorry about the tangent but I was SO tired of answering the same questions over and over! I was relieved that he was just asking me questions though! He sent me back into the waiting room. I got called back a couple minutes later and LUCKY ME! I got to be his guinea pig while the resident taught him how to give an exam. I just lay there picking at my fingers and staring at the ceiling. The resident took over to do an ultrasound. No baby in the uterus. She couldn't find a baby in my fallopian tubes either. There was a corpus lutuem which supports a pregnancy so she knew there was one somewhere. She wanted her boss to have a look so I got to go wait in the waiting room some more. Side note - there are at least 3 women there in handcuffs with police officers. Neat. They called me back and I waited for a minute on the hospital bed thing and stared at the sonogram sticker upper thing and it had goop dripping down it and I was panicking that they hadn't cleaned it and that the doctor would come in and use it on me. I'm not very brave at saying anything but this was freaking me out. Everyone came in - it was a party! The boss doctor, the resident doctor, the cute medical student, and the nurse. I know she was talking to me but all I could think about was the goop - surely she would see it and wipe it down! Nope she was just about to cover it with a new condom thing and I burst out with "I'm SO sorry! I'm not usually a germaphobe but do you think that's been cleaned? I just saw that goop and I've been worried." Nope it hadn't been cleaned. The doctor said she had just assumed I was the last one to use it so she didn't think to clean it. The resident said that no, I had not been the last one. So - EW! I'm glad I said something! I would not have wanted to share germs with the girls that were in the waiting room with me. They looked for a LONG time. They spent forever on my right side. They couldn't tell for sure if it was ectopic or not. SO, she sits back and says that she recommends a d&c - a surgery where they go in and scrape the uterus clean and then they will be able to have what they take out tested to find out if there was an embryo. If they don't find anything they will know for sure that it's ectopic. 4 people are staring at me and I'm trying to be chipper (why do I always have to be chipper?!). I asked if they were absolutely sure there wasn't a baby inside me that could live because I didn't always want to wonder if I had inadvertently had an abortion (the d&c). She said no - at this point it is either miscarry or ectopic and they need to find out for sure because if it's ectopic it could burst and that is pretty dangerous. So, I said ok to the d&c. The resident took me back to sign some stuff. The usual surgery stuff - possible internal bleeding, hole in the uterus that could lead to complete uterus removal, death, etc. I started to freak out a little. =) Then, if they were to find out it's ectopic I was given the option of surgically removing it or taking Methotrexate (a chemotherapy drug). I went for the medicine. Less risky. I then headed next door to look at the surgery schedule with the nurse. 9:30 the next morning. They said I could leave and come back. I was happy about that because I needed to get to my car so that I could cry and because I wanted to love on my kids one last time (just in case I did die). They sent me to the waiting room to wait to be discharged. It was FREEZING! At 4am the Dr. came out to tell me that my insurance had a weird thing where they would need 72 hours notice for a d&c unless I was admitted right then. So, I didn't get to go home. I didn't get to cry. I didn't get to love on my kids. I called Nathan and tried to keep it together - I just didn't want the doctors to catch me with tear stained cheeks. They admitted me and got me into a hospital room (a maternity ward hospital room). I got poked 4 times before they were finally able to get my IV in. This IV was the most painful one I've ever had and it throbbed the whole time I was in the hospital. I tried to sleep but they kept coming in every half hour to check my vitals, to take blood, to ask me the same questions again, to introduce themselves. My friend Kelli took my kids that morning. Nathan got Anika to school and then dropped them off at her house. I didn't know if he would make it to the hospital before they took me back for surgery! The nurse had taken me to another part of the hospital where I had to wait until they were ready for me. Nathan made it and was able to hang out with me for awhile. I felt better as soon as I saw him. He always knows how to make me smile and he doesn't take my dramatics too seriously. =) They nurse anesthetist gave me some versed and that stuff works fast! I remember them wheeling me away and I blew Nathan a kiss. Then I remember them transferring me to another bed and telling me that my arm would probably hurt pretty bad for a minute and that I would feel the urge to cough. I did cough and that was the last thing I remember. When I came to I felt a little crampy but I was just glad to be alive! I asked if I "could have" my husband and he came and hung out with me. I was SO tired. They wheeled me back to my room and I fell asleep next to Nathan for a couple hours. At 2 he took off to pick up the kids. I was supposed to be out of there by 7 that night. That didn't happen! Nathan dropped the kids off at Heather's and they spent the night there. Nathan brought me a blizzard and came and hung out with me. We asked the nurse if we could please leave and come back the next day if I needed to take the Methotrexate. Nope. So, we waited. I hate sleeping at the hospital because they just can't leave you alone! It was awfully nice of them to put me in the maternity ward. I got to listen to the sounds of crying babies being take to their moms the whole time. It felt like I had been through childbirth and had all of the after stuff - but no baby to take care of. Anyway, I do have an ectopic pregnancy. No baby was found from the d&c. My Saturday morning nurse was super nice but pretty insensitive. She told me that her friend had this same thing happen and she didn't follow up and it turned into full on cancer so they had to remove everything. Then she said that the Methotrexate shots they give me in my butt are NOT going to feel good. In fact, it's going to hurt pretty bad. She must have missed the memo about me being scared to death of cancer and shots. Then she went on and on about how far along she is and how she is so much bigger this time around. I was happy for her - just not in the mood to be excited for my nurse's pregnancy. Later, the doctor came in to talk to me about the Methotrexate. He said I would have to follow up in 4 days and then in 7 days. I said that in 7 days I would be in Utah for my little sisters wedding. He said nope. I can't travel. I stowed away in the bathroom to shed a few tears. I didn't let loose though - I didn't want my nurse to come in and catch me. I got the shots - which didn't hurt as bad as I thought they would. And then the nurse let me walk out even though the doctor had ordered me to be wheeled down. And then I drove home and then I slept. So, I'm pretty sure I have a built up torrent of tears that need to be shed and that is why I'm feeling so blah. It's just dumb. At least it happened when I was early pregnant before I got sick. And at least I didn't die. I'm grateful for that. And I'm so thankful for my sweet kids and my husband who were waiting to love on me when I got home. Here's hoping I get back to normal next week and get out of the "waiting place". =)

"You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace a
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

NO! That's not for you!!
Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing!

With banner flip-flapping
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of guy!

Dr. Suess knew his stuff. =)